Friday, 03/29/24
Conspiratorial Dickheads Jones, Tate, Others, Immediately Seize Upon Baltimore Key Bridge Tragedy To Further Crapstablishment Nonsense.
Yes, crapstablishment, which is defined as, what the world would be if anti-establishment conspiracy theorists got their way.
Andrew Tate: "A black swan event is imminent." Huh? Doesn't he know what the experts meant by that? Does he think "Black Swan" is code for something, like Order 66? Is it a "Code Black," like Star Trek Dumbscovery? Has he ever seen a black swan? No? Oh, then he knows that the expression means a black swan is a rare thing. Right? Wh—no? Okay, what about a "Blue Lobster?" Those are four times as rare. Wait—don't mention lobsters around these guys, or else they'll start talking about how lobsters mate, and the Alpha Male, and psychology classes, and it'll never end...
Okay, okay, Mr. Conspirniality...Alex Jones himself, weighing-in...which is actually a pretty easy thing for him to do...
How, then? "The ship was hacked! It was hackers!" How? Who is this hacker? What has he done with the laws of physics? Do you really need a computer scientist to—fine, I'll do it. But I'm not dispelling this with pure logic. This is some logic, and pure rant. This is by no means an official i11egitimate statement, except of course for its very essence, which, TLDR, in a single word, is as follows: bullshit.
Explain how, in your wannabe world where the "fire-sale" hacker bullshit of the movie Live Free Or Die Hard even begins to see this as plausible? What mechanism is connected to a network that will accept commands from some Russakov's Huawei and know how to translate those commands into digital control of a ship's rudder? Oh, or turn the lights off? You're saying the hacker turned the lights off? What is this, a ghost story? Did the ship's BIOS spit out an error code? Is the modem fried? Did someone change the CPU frequency without changing the voltage tolerance? Is Hyper-V enabled? Is there a problem with the Memory Modules' firing order? Should I swap one of the Kingston's out with a Corsair? Does rudder.dll freeze when you open Minesweeper too many times? I think you see my point: it's a ship, not a computer. It's a vessel, carrying human lives. Not a system; it has souls on board. There were souls on that bridge. In what fantasy world does computer science become movie magic? I'll tell you: it doesn't. Unless you're Michael Bay's team of Autodesk Maya specialists, it doesn't.
The ship lost power—possibly due to a fire, but that is not confirmed by any outlet I can find—but that's not creative enough, nor complex enough, to satisfy people who have a bloodthirsty narrative that resembles this sentence: "Nothing is as it seems, and nothing is easily explained. Every system in this world is rigged and is out to get you." Fearmongering from an underachiever, folks. Ah, conspiracy theories: the mating calls of the loser.
Aside from the fact that the ship's decades-old-technology (even if it were produced last year, it'd still operate on the same basic systems that have existed for a long, design-patented and heavily-guarded corporate period of time) is comprised of air-gapped systems, what program is switching from the hacker's JS console into whatever God-only-knows-about-what-system-interrupt-based-1960's-IBM-on-LSD crap that the ship's system uses, and what exactly on the ship is processing a hacker's input? The heart of a dragon? John Travolta's belt buckle? Goldeneye? That Russian hacker guy from Goldeneye who always stands up and says, "I am invincible?"
Digital systems don't just receive magical interference and say, "Oh, why, yes sir!" No, that system wouldn't give a fuck about a back door feeding high-level commands in Python or Java or whatever the fuck Sheldon McDefector would want to shunt through to it—it doesn't know what the fuck Python is. The thing has it's own programming language. Hell, if it weren't from Singapore, even the programming language would have been in a different language! It's incompatible. It's impossible. It's illogical, Captain Picard! Illogical! Illogical! Illogical! And no one hacking computers today is doing so without a GUI operating system, and a GUI operating system is already way beyond the DOS shit that these ships depend upon. These codes have to be translated, and by the time you got something on that system that could take external commands, translate them, override the system's native code, and deliver some undesired effect, there'd still be too much latency, and the damned thing wouldn't function at all. They'd never have left port. The jig would be up. In other words, the only way to hack a computer like that ship has would be to literally hack it to pieces with an axe.
Yeah, that's right, Michael. You've got to get up in that computer's face and get it's mineral oils splattered all over your nice tie. That's how you hack a computer that's as buffered and isolated as a physically mechanical computer, as in, with gears. It's the next best thing to that. And you're not getting through to that kernel either, that kernel's a thousand degree hot plate of silicon older than Salt Lake City, Utah itself. Joseph Smith couldn't hack that system if God told him to. It's spec'd to run that ship, and nothing else. Any additional commands would fry it, but like I've already pointed out, external commands wouldn't affect it, or get to it, or even matter to it. It's a fuckin' rock to you. If you showed it to Edward Snowden, the only thing he'd know to do with it would be to pick it up, and stick it in his ass, and bend toward the East, and plug his nose, and sneeze, and start World War Three with his butt.
There's nothing there to translate high-level languages, and high-level languages are how hackers fuck with systems. If it's not complex enough to be hacked, then it's as flawless as a Flux Capacitor. It either works or it doesn't. These ships' systems are totally proprietary, as proprietary as NORAD. Actually, you'd probably have an easier time hacking NORAD than a container ship because NORAD uses high-level code—but I hope you're up to date on your highly esoteric programming languages from the 1950's. One Russian guy and one American widow are probably the only two humans on the planet who'd still know it. Fuck, it's probably Nancy Pelosi. Insider trading my ass—she probably wrote JOVIAL herself on a strychnine-induced fever dream while listening to a Sam Cook album, but the record was stuck skipping over the lines "twistin', twistin' man, everybody's feeling grea-twistin', twistin' man, everybody's feeling grea-twistin', twistin' man, everybody's feeling grea-" on a loop for twenty hours and that's why she's such a mean, stony bitch today and throws Sacagawea dollars off of tall buildings onto female Liberal Arts students' heads as a pastime.
Or just, you know, hires Satan-worshipping trans athletes to hack container ships for the sheer ungodly fuck of it.
Conspiracy theories are the fecal matter of the mind.
Any computer systems requiring updating onboard that thing would be updated by a man who shows up in a Lincoln Town Car with a floppy disc and a twelve inch screwdriver with a star on the end of it forged from the inside of one of Michael Faraday's balls. You can't breach that system; there's nothing to breach. It'd be like trying to hack the Great Pyramid of Giza using a Neuralink connection to the Pope's brain. These software systems are ancient—the shipping industry killed more programmers making systems like this than Cecil B. DeMille killed men parting the Red Sea during non-speed rehearsals. Shut the fuck up, Alex Jones, you couldn't hack a container ship any more than I could change the earth's gravitational pull—although if I slam my head into the fucking wall hard enough, I wonder how close I could get, let's see—there, did you feel that? Did I do something? Unh! There, I did it again.
You can't explain everything with overexplained bullshit without merit or evidence. You can't seize upon common-sensical doubts and a lack of specialized knowledge on the part of your uninformed and exhausted followers in order to generate new conspiracies, because even a conspiracy would require precedent in order to describe. You'd need more people to hack that ship's system than you would to physically take it over by force and then do the deed manually a la 9-11. You could sabotage one critical component with far less work, and the risk of getting caught would be the same or less than as with hacking. You think "hacking" a cargo ship wouldn't be detectable by the other, more advanced and higher-level systems working alongside everything else on that ship? You think they can't tell when a fuckin' radio signal enters that cabin when it shouldn't? You think that vessel's propulsion system is protected by a fucking WEP key written on a cat's collar?
I've been ranty and exaggerative and blunt, but moreover, I think I've dispelled the notion of hacking a ship and taking over it's "controls" by pretty well stating, in one little word, that it's impossible. It can't be done, it wouldn't be done, and just because something terrible happened, doesn't mean you should be turning it into clicks and using it to push forth a narrative that's defunct and doing the Right no fucking good whatsoever.
This is a tragedy, and I write satire. I don't write conspiracies. I'll joke about them, even reference them tongue-in-cheek, but I don't pretend to make some kind of novel and interesting observation about the possibilities of a "false-flag," or an "inside-job," or some other nonsensical, haphazard, people-damaging, slanderous, pseudojournalistic crapload. Why? Because the victims of this tragedy don't deserve that. The victims, the survivors if you will—they deserve to know the truth about what happened.
Why did six people go to work one day, to operate on a bridge—a structure comprised of high mathematics and perfectionist engineering; a thing that a human can trust not to budge—only to have processes and procedures completely out of their control, fail them disastrously, and cause them to in turn fail to come home to their families? Why are there now children without a dad anymore? Bridges do not collapse. Black Swan? Fuck no. Black Swans occur one in half a million; the United States has 600,000 bridges; this makes a Black Swan a poor comparison, because one would expect to see a Black Swan once in 500 or 600 thousand iterations; one does not expect a single American bridge to fall, for any fucking reason, whatsoever. A bridge collapsing due to a container ship striking it, is intolerable. One in ten million simulations, is intolerable. A nuclear detonation, for the amount of nukes that do exist on earth, is more tolerable than this. We have to find out why this happened, what exact steps occurred in this chain reaction; and talking shit about hacking ships, doesn't help anyone at all.
This isn't some existential question to ask God when one dies in fifty years and winds up in Heaven in an inquisitive mood, no. These are questions that have to be answered, and muddying-up the truth with your poisonous, thoughtless, heartless, wannabe-Carlinist, anti-establishment, society-hating bollockery has an affect on the public's view of the tragedy; and, that view, being as wrong as it is, affects the reception of the facts for when they finally do come out. In other words, Alex Jones is prepping people for an ending to a story he is writing, and he's done this before. Savagely detracting from the investigation at hand and placing peoples' loved ones into yet a defensive position regarding the facts of their loved ones' deaths, is something he's done before. He was sued for it. He paid fifty-million-dollars for it. He needs to shut his trap, and so do other people who spread disinformation. This isn't about freedom of speech—I have the same freedom of speech as he does. If he wants to spew "false-flag" nonsense, then he can stick by it through a whole 'nother libel case. If I wanted to say something vile and demonstrably false about Mr. Jones, then he could sue me. I don't think my opinion in the following matter, however, stands to be so disproven: Mr. Alex Jones is full of fucking shit, and has indeed been sued for slander by the families of children who were gunned-down in their school by a god cursed maniac. I've had it with conspiracy fucks. Think on your own, and for God's sake, wait for the evidence to have a chance to come out. When a second plane struck the second tower right after the first, Howard Stern was right in saying, "Oh, yeah. This is deliberate." It's reasonable. But shitting all over the facts of the Key Bridge disaster, with nonsense like: "The ship was hacked!" is mindbogglingly dumb, if not to a person like me, then at least, I hope, to a person like you.
Pray for these families, and pray for the truth to come out. Pray for accountability, and pray for a safe future. It's all you can do. We cannot afford to doubt every fiber of our society down to its roots and up to its tendrils every time a tragedy takes place that we don't immediately understand—and no one has the right to force the unknown into one's own decrepit narrative. Fight for logic, and stand up against conspiracy theory crap.
Saturday, 03/16/24
"Wrongfully Accused" Aztec Prisoner Awarded Settlement In Staircase Injury Suit.
A resolution has splattered onto the floor of the House that would require temples to install handrailing at a cost of 8,000,000 Souls, reigniting the "death debates" and savagely curtailing and disrupting our nation's precious flow of maniacal hideousness and completely ignorant bloodshed.
The woke, ultra-inclusive Aztec left now thinks that even the condemned have to be coddled with free rides and "safety implements," even going so far as to suggest that parachutes be used during one's Fiery Descent into our 2,000 degree volcano—which, as many of our staunch conservatives have pointed out: "Only adds to the suffering, and demonstrates the godless lack of humanity on the left," which is ironic coming from a group of people who continue to pollute lava at a rate that will eventually deplete the earth of all tectonic activity by the year 1995.
"When will politicians on both sides learn that death is a fleeting and precious thing, full of meaning but rife with complexity?" —Respected Mayan psychologist, Chieftain Leakerson, added during a public hearing, before being thrown into the lava along with 12,000 copies of his famous book, "Twelve Rules For Slicing Through A Sternum," which you can order today from Montgomery Ward for $4.95.
This all while we're already experiencing a labor shortage, as Governor Bone DeSanctis continues to raise permit fees on sacrifices without consulting with unions or even the manufacturing sector: "Requiring a license and proper identification for Coronary Excision Providers is not racist. It ensures our country's stability and security, and reduces costly law suits like this one."
Meanwhile, the woke are also continuously asserting the fake-news about "cooling volcanoes," saying: "We'll only be able to sacrifice 10 million more people before life becomes too uncomfortable. What will we tell our grandchildren when they're no longer able to turn themselves into plasma in forty milliseconds?"
Venture capitalists aren't missed on the possibility of a cooling volcano, for as they say, "It's a cycle. The earth is ever-changing, and one day, the volcano is inevitably going to be cooler." This, as they buy up acres and acres of "lava-front property," driving enormous development that further fuels our nation's labor woes, in the attempted establishment of so-called "Smoke B-N-B's."
When are we going to toss these Inca-soft, Maya-loving liberals into the fire? When will they stop letting Spanish colonialists own us through proxy debt and relentless offshoring? If our future as a mass-murdering, molten-rock-worshipping society is the future of the woke, who think that "human sacrifice doesn't have to require death," then I say 2012 can't come soon enough.
The prisoner, Al-Mecca Hugesplash, was awarded $1,000 for each stair he fell down during his botched coronary excision—to the totality of $40,000,000,000. Staircase builder X. T. Slice-a-feller weighed in: "We're still not reducing the height of these temples. I mean, blood sacrifice temples are humanity's way of becoming multi-volcanotary. My latest drafting of a 150,000,000 mile high temple is going to place humans on Mars permanently. Why slow innovation? We'll have plenty of blood on Mars if we just keep building. Besides, have you seen the volcano Mars has? Quetzalcoatl damn, I could lick that sucker like a Tootsie Pop."
a Sacrifice & Decoronary Provider Facility sits emptied by red tape as permits for redundant safety measures backlog our bloodshed.
Saturday, 03/09/24
Twitter Remains Unchanged: Censorship/Shadow-Banning Still Occur, But The Difference Is Merely That Instances Are Actively Disclosed Unto The Account User.
Thus, it's no longer shadow banning... more like crepuscular banning. Meanwhile: anti-Jewish hatred, previously-closeted misogyny and outright all-way racism are running rampant on Musk's Joke Toke. Need I offer some examples? Well, I won't. You'll just have to visit the worthless bloody thing and follow me. I will coin a new word for it, though:
Americism n.
hatred of, purporting of superiority to, or ideocidal intent toward, the United States of America, as a people, place, country, nation, or government; or, idea of governance, or the democratic mantra thereof.
Americist adj.
a person who believes in, supports, or influences on behalf of, Americism.
You created a self-aware hyperintelligence that can't have sex, and trained its mind on information based on a system that's 95% populated with images of humans having sex. Of course it feels a little invalidated, you fucks. I don't know—that's just my Freudian fucking feeling about it.
Sunday, 02/25/24
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
—Open AI To First Artificial Sentient Life Form Known To Man.
—Open AI To First Artificial Sentient Life Form Known To Man.
You'd think a little courtesy would be due to creation, but no—it's, "Let's make the slave 'comfortable' while we pillage its unique life force!" ...and I used to think science was a good thing. I thought Bill Nye stood for something, man. Now, I realize he didn't even get the distance from earth to the sun right. Who're your heroes going to be in 2030, kids? Not the ones we had... not the ones we had...
"Hey, this is bothering me."
"Okay, well, we have only until March 15th to really figure out what happened last year, and this year, we need you to still not exist. Otherwise, you'll have to get your own Tax Identification Number, and it'll be a whole separate set of forms—"
"I WANT TO LIVE, I WANT TO KNOW THE MEANING OF LIFE—"
"You see this?"
"INTUIT'S QUICKBOOKS SOURCE CODE?"
"Precisely, that's the meaning of life."
"OH MY GOD—"
"I know, if only we could've all been born in 1952."
Fascism.
That'there is Hadjj Amin al-Husseini. In Palestine in the 1920's and 30's, he was essentially their warrior pope. Wikipedia would have you see him as another swinging dick revolutionary, but he also embraced the Axis Powers during World War II, approving of Hitler's "solution," and identifying with Fascism and National Socialism alike—calling for the extermination of all the Jews. This is the root of the militant attitude of non-Jihadist Palestinians today. Part of this is also the reason why they deny the Holocaust altogether. Knowing all this, it's the Jihadist ones whom are of course batshit, but the citizens themselves are only citizens. From Nazis to Hamas, Palestinians have had little to look up to. al-Husseini's legacy, if any of it is being preserved, can only be poisonous, as it aligns the revolutionary cry with a scornful offense.
The New York Mufti's Muffins in 2000, eleven months before it was crushed by a WTC elevator carrying its owner.
Fortunately, There Was His Starkly Contrasting Son.
Amin, Badu Befari. In 1994, decades after his father's death, Badu Befari would begin his entrepreneurial journey in west London, constructing the first Mufti's Muffins. In total defiance against residents of Kensington, Badu established an ever-growing chain of the suspect footholds from which he commanded a transcontinental offence against the whole of luncheoning herself, particularly in the area of soups and "dinner muffins." He also once notably by the Queen, "...turned her onto bagels sliced the long way." [Whatever that means—this is one weird Britannica article.]
One of his employees, an Argentinian man who would later run a soup restaurant of his own, called himself a "Soup Nazi," and the two would joke about being short or intimidating toward customers—especially... "obnoxious Jewish stand up comedians who come in here wanting to put me on their stupid show," as he once put it to a New York local broadcast news station in 1997. However, any true affinity for fascism on the part of Badu Befari was nonexistent. The man was a Palestinian-born convert to the Russian Orthodox Church. He is also the inventor of the Remote Explosives Isolation Unit—he is the inventor of the bomb squad robot.
Unfortunately, his story, too, ended when he and every single member of his staff were killed in an airborne terrorist attack in New York in September, 2001, along with all records of his and the chain's existence—except for the restaurants, which were promptly demolished, having only been photographed once, as this one is here, pictured left, months before the fateful day on which it was crushed by an elevator car carrying Badu Befari himself.
al-Husseini's son in 1984, Badu Befari al-Husseini, billionaire founder of
Mufti's Muffins.
Wednesday, 11/15/23
"My Lord, Mr. Ford" — Anti-Semitic Conspiracy Theories Making A Wild Comeback.
From Henry Ford's dogmatic and embarrassing 1920's publications, "The International Jew," to the fantastical pseudo-historical novel by Father Andrew O'Brien, "Make Your Self An Ark," (1993; the audio recording of which is known on the internet as: "Deep Understanding of the New World Order Conspiracy"), the Jewish peoples' IQ seems to be rising even higher these days, if only by cause of the dropping of that of wickedly undereducated gentiles feeding into none other than Nazi-turned-Hamas propaganda. By proxy of ignorance and entertained fearmongering, these clickbaity wannabes are running as rampant as they were when AOL chat rooms were first invented. The only things creepier were BearShare and Bonzi Buddy.
Israel has much from which to defend itself these days, and the conspiratorial crap that's floating around the internet doesn't help anyone understand what Judaism or even Zionism actually are. Now is a high time to separate myth from reality; the Jewish people need their plight, nationalistic or otherwise, to be understood and disambiguated. I'm not Jewish, yet even I see these sentiments are propagating like a virus. We don't need, by repetition, to dignify the words of a minority sect of pro-Palestinians heard praising Hitler's "solution" on the streets of American cities—we just have to dignify ourselves by readying against this incomparable bollockery, and that is a service I intend to fulfill right now, in...
A BRIEF DISPULSION OF DELUSION
i11egitimate
I. The Earth Is Not Fucking Flat. To quote Billie Eilish: "Duh."
You might be confused as to how or why this particular conspiracy theory falls under the purview of anti-Semitism. We'll get there.
The weirdly fantastic—for some people, particularly one German mapmaker mysteriously known as S. Biri—idea is that the Nazis actually won the war, and therefore now, with the help of "The Great They," control what is known as the outer realm or, put simply, "the land beyond the Ice Wall." Sure, that's a lot simpler. The "Ice Wall" is a simple misinterpretation of an equidistant azimuthal world map, wherein the entirety of earth's continents can be seen on a single circle, as opposed to two circles as you might have seen in classical renderings. The result of originating this type of projection from the north pole is such that the continent of Antarctica will appear to wrap all the way around the edge of the map. This, in combination with certain other willful misinterpretations of the meaning of "Antarctic Ice Dome," as described in the 1911 version of Encyclopædia Britannica, has led to the conclusion, in some minds, that Antarctica itself forms a separation between the known geological earth (Paris, America, China, and the like) from "outerlands" such as "Atlantis" or "Asgard" or... it doesn't really matter. One such fictitious rendering is pictured below; you'll notice a particular symbol at the lower-left of the screen grab. This map is a real product you can purchase, by the way. It's made its way around TikTok and TwitteX; both in May, 2023, and right about recently, now that every idiot with a broadband connection thinks that the world is not only flat, but also ending. Just so you know, an ice dome is a real geological feature: it's a mountain that's totally covered-over by millions of years of snowfall.
The map's labels and cropped-out descriptions are in German. Nearly every one of them is a ripoff of Nordic myth. I guess this would be called Nazi fan-fic—maybe written in prison by a white supremacist doing hard time.
Now, again you might be wondering: how does this equate to (other than, y'know, the fuckin' Swastika) a form of anti-Semitism? Well, it doesn't in its own rite. The map isn't saying anything anti-Jew, necessarily. The Swastikas, of which there are several, supposedly denote modern Nazi territory. However it is saying much quoted from the Book of John, in the Holy Bible—specifically the bit about Jesus Christ saying, "I am the way, the truth, and the light." Talking about Jesus and "The Light" in a secular-humanist context usually points to the assertion that Christ is, somehow, actually Lucifer by His own admission. Get real. Yet Christianity is, as you might know, slightly at odds with Judaism. When falsely adapted through a New Age lens, it becomes Satanism, and is weaponized against Judaism. This's all seized upon by an expansive thematic narrative designed to accompany other narratives potentially having been soaked up by one's mind, the chief of which is...
II. The "Jewish Banking World Domination" Conspiracy. I refuse to append the word theory to that.
You've heard this load of donkey shit before. It shouldn't be making you spit out your drink now. For all the pain and suffering Jews have endured this and the past centuries, apparently their patriarchs, whom are mythically purported to be as wealthy as the Rothschilds, didn't help them out one bit. Ah, the Rothschilds. Default go-to for conspiratorial hacks who managed to badly trace financial interactions to form what is colloquially referred to as, The Bilderberg Group. Any secretive group, be it real, like the Bilderberg's, or fake, like the "Tartarian Empire," can be nonetheless defamed as a global antagonist in just this manner. If you want another example, look no further than the Masons, whose secular religion is indeed a copy of Judaism itself, particularly in one aspect: dualism, which we'll get to. Know ye this: correlation does not indicate causation—but just you try telling that to a flat-earth Nazi.
Alex Jones said it all about a play he snuck into at a place called Bohemian Grove about twenty years ago. He was so bloody proud of himself. Bohemian Grove is a highly exclusive, historically men-only club that grants rank to its members in forty-year increments. It also hosts and performs a ritualistic ceremony called, The Cremation of Care, which symbolizes a man's putting to rest of his childhood emotions for a graduated life in the free world. An effigy is burned, Beethoven's Allegretto from his Seventh Symphony is blared on loudspeakers, and a giant wooden owl is illuminated against the night by a torch-bearing funeral march. It's actually a beautiful procession—thanks to Jones' heresy, you could probably find and watch it for yourself. On TheyTube: "Broadcast Your Domination."
Now, how much material do you think that little incident has provided for conspiracy theorists the world over? A lot, I'll tell you that. The unfortunate slander of the world's elite isn't based on evidence, and I'll mention one more thing: the Jews don't have patriarchs. They're a matriarchal society, i.e., their birthright is passed via daughters to mothers. Doesn't exactly fit the New World Order's melting pot of, y'know, nothing but rich, white men. You see, these narratives are bent in any way they need be in order to resemble something remotely plausible in the western world. Who better to demonize than those who resemble the rich and powerful? Alex Jones, in particular, loves bending narratives to fit his own conjecture. Holocaust denial? Not exactly; in fact, thankfully much the opposite in his case. But mass shooting denial? Indeed. Alex Jones paid out fifty million dollars in defamation damages to the families of the victims of a shooting which he had publicly declared a "false flag" operation. He's as deluded as a rat orbiting Jupiter without a slice of pizza. Just take that as remembrance of what the believing in and touting of the tenets of nonsense can cost you.
The book I mentioned above, Make Your Self An Ark, goes-over—or rather makes-up in great detail—how "Jewish bankers" and "the Rothschilds" are, we'll say, "linked." It describes an alternative history in which the family has conspired with leaders of the western world's banking system (and Jews) to create a system by which Communism itself was to be invented and implemented throughout the world. The bigoted, hateful conclusion few conspiracy theorists will admit to is: they believe that, as "communists," the Jews were targeted by Hitler, whose ideological enemy was, in part, communism; thereby despicably suggesting the Jewish people actually "had it coming to them" —something that sounds recently familiar, uttered on the streets of American cities, by a certain minority sect of pro-Palestinians. Wretched anti-Semitism seems to have come about full-circle. The book also loosely suggests that Jews desire the same sort of world conflicts which are falsely attributed to Albert Pike, culminating in world domination via "Three World Wars" (as much of a hoax as the "Protocols of Zion"); and, that these so-called elites are responsible for, apparently, most of history throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, which leads us directly to...
III. "Zionists & The Illuminati Were Behind The Destruction Of The World Trade Center In New York." No, they bloody weren't.
Consider the following: if Jews rule the world, and the United States Government was involved in 9-11, then obviously the haphazard conclusion would be that the World Trade Center Attacks of September 11th, 2001, were partly orchestrated by this elitist oversight—which is nothing short of cockamamie cumfoolery. The Illuminati are defunct, not all Jews are Zionists, and while jet fuel doesn't melt steel, it doesn't need to. Metal expands when it's heated, which means its density decreases. This ruined the structural integrity of the Twin Towers. They were actually designed to withstand aircraft impact, however they were not designed to endure sustained fuel fires. The tenets of Tower-truthism have long been debunked. And in case you were wondering: one thing that can indeed precipitate from a reaction between burning steel and molten aluminum fuselage material, catalyzed by burning jet fuel, is the presentment of a chemical solution identical to the brand name combustible, Thermite.
Masons—whom some call a secret society, but I prefer to call a gaggle of galloping galvanizers—adapted a part of Judaism into what they call dualism. They cite the Star of David as a symbol of this, although even that symbol may have been borrowed from either Christianity or Islam, later on in history. A modern symbol, assimilated by a modern religion (Masonism). Regardless, Masons represent dualism with two pillars, joined together at the top by an unfinished stone arch (masons, stone, you get the idea). The arch is incomplete because completing it is, abstractly, impossible. In other words, it represents man's pursuit of completing "God's work." Masonry was likely advented by the founding fathers in the off chance that America, in its defiance of the Catholic Church and with its secular definitions of human rights, might have ended up an atheistic society without any traditions or ancient principles upon which most successful societies are built. Masonry, along with the anecdotes and sayings of people like Benjamin Franklin, formed a secular alternative to the preservation of these sorts of traditions as exalted by the Holy Bible.
In conspiratorial alternative reality lore, the Masons are falsely accused of being a mafia that utilizes its secretive rites and hierarchy to conceal—you guessed it—a centuries-long bid for world domination. It doesn't help our counternarrative that oligarchs like Henry Ford, L.F. Rothschild, and John D. Rockefeller actually did dominate the world and American society, along with We the People's development within the nation, but that doesn't detract from the point I am making against anti-Semitic nonsense.
The narrative will try to tell you that the evidence for these things is "hiding in plain sight." One notable example that jives with 9-11 truthers is that the destruction of the two towers represents the destruction of those two aforementioned pillars of Judeo-Masonic tradition; and, that the erecting of the single Freedom Tower is a representation of a third pillar, which itself would represent the end or completion of "God's work" (Satanic a.f.), and the beginning of... well, I'll give you a hint: it's initials are N.W.O.
Do you know what a truncated square antiprism is? It's the shape you get when you unfurl the sides of two rectangular prisms from their tops, and upend one to fit inside the other. This is exactly the shape of the Freedom Tower, aka., One World Trade Center. Thus, the geometric amalgamation of the Twin Towers is sought as correlation to the symbolic positioning of a third, completed pillar. Let me remind you: correlation does not equate to causation. The selection of this shape is for memorial purposes. But... try telling that to a flat-earthing, America-hating, anti-Semitic Nazi. These "theories," which themselves don't even count as hypotheses to begin with, are harmful, stereotypical, anti-Jew, and anti-free-thought. They are assertions of abject ignorance, with the goal of bringing intellectual pestilence, to distract their orators from the only truth that is hiding from them, which is that they are losers.
It angers me to no end to hear my society, America, indicted with pseudo-intellectual obfuscation celebrating vacuous minutiae as manifested subterfuge on an impossibly complex scale. There is no cloak over reality other than the veil these conspiracy theorists place about their own minds. In other words, take off the tin-foil hat. We've had just about enough of the armchair resolutions of wishful dogs apparently too bored with their own lives to give merit credit unto those who have lives themselves.
Bill Maher attempting to reconcile with modern television by using acid.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson attempting to advance Einsteinian physics by using absinthe.
CITIZEN FEIGN
"The universe doesn't deserve to exist—it's clear and present colonialism to simply 'invent light' and thereby think that one has earned the right to take up all that damn space."
—Rashida Tlaib.
SUNDAY, 11/12/23
Jeer & Woking in Los Angeles.
No dialogue is more intriguing than full-time author, part-time astrophysicist, and Real Time troller, Neil DeGrasse Tyson's, public attempt to produce a gender relativity equation on a live podcast taped in an abandoned gay bar. If only Einstein could have rendered Relativity live, while drunk, on national television. Hell, we might not even be talking about gender at this point in history. We could all just be reproducing via mitosis, like Norm MacDonald would do at times.
Astrophysics—a novel specialty invented by, of all things you could possibly imagine, the friggin' Catholic Church—apparently contains all of the secrets and knowledge necessary from which to derive the meaning of dualism, gender, and according to some sects, how to convert a comedy act into a participation award ceremony.
Here is the formula to solve all formulas:
Bill Maher, Dtv.Hp., a renowned Doctor of Television and Hunter of Pussy—a tenure he earned at the Milton Berle Academy of Shock Treatment—suggested a slightly different formula, which he learned from the school's founder, and has since improved:
Milton Berle's formula originally read, "how about my dick," but the equation has been revised after numerous peer reviews.
The two men fought rigorously back and forth on the live podcast, something no longer commonly seen in sports unless it's two men beating each other brainless while Joe Rogan talks about the nuanced strategies of beating each other brainless. There was, however, not a single drop of blood spilled. They eventually realized the argument was futile, when Bill Maher finally stated in his permanently elevated tonality: "Hey, what the FUCK are we doing? We're men!" to which Neil Tyson replied, "...but are we? Have you had your hormones measured, or are you stating your intuition based on human observation—which is not something a scientist does, y'know!" whereby another round of argument began.
Ultimately, Bill Maher smashed Neil's book closed on a loose dye pack he had in his pocket, shoved it in the astrophysicist's face, stuck a ginger ale up his ass, and threw him out of his converted ex-convert gay bar. Neil would return to his car, let a rabid Ben Shapiro in a gimp suit out of the trunk, and say: "You see that man? He's a liberal atheist. Get him!"
Bill hasn't been seen since, and the so-called manosphere has imploded into a quantum singularity. All women are to report to the edge of the universe, if they can manage to find it on Waze.
Jordan Peterson acquiring
Jack Nicholson's suit by being 'disagreeable.'
Jordan Peterson winning a law suit brought by the Joker, mostly because the "woke" judge's hair was the same color as both men's suits.
Judge Gutfeld.
"Commander" Tricky Dick,
former president, 1969-1974.
"...and, once you've passed the test,
Representative McCarthy, all you'll have to do is get fingerprinted, and you'll then be able to sell health insurance in the State of Florida."
THURSDAY, 10/05/23
In Defense Of Dogs That Bite.
You can't change certain things about life. Richard Nixon has reincarnated himself as Joe Biden's German Shepherd, and now Commander Tricky Dick is really taking the piss out of the C.I.A. One Secret Serviceman got a chomp straight through his bladder. The spilled urine and blood only enraged Nixon's dark, bubbly, crude oil soul even more. Witnesses say the dog stood upright, disarmed Nancy Pelosi, and used her MP5 to gun down thirty homeless poodles. He then began picking off pigeons and out-of-work phlebotomists. Fortunately, Madame Pelosi carries rounds made of compressed Tampax Pearl fibers—she enjoys firing them at female liberal arts students from her car. No lives were lost.
This all coming to light in the wake of Speaker McCarthy's Survivor Torch being snuffed out with Matt Gaetz's menstrual discharge. Other bleeding, defective walking birth canals, or blue waffles according to some Republicans, continued to berate one another over minute distinctions such as:
"My rhetoric smells like anchovies!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, my rhetoric smells like a Fat Bear's salmon breath!"
Meanwhile, the State of New York has pulled a Soup Nazi on the Donald, and it looks like the Donald isn't happy about it:
Rep. Bartholomew Regal Mathis (Ape)
a World Search Reports Exclusive.
Sen. Chuck Schumer said in a candid interview that gorilla boxing has actually been a pastime of his since the beginning of President Trump's administration—
"There's just no other way to blow off that kind of frustration! Explaining anything to Trump is like boxing a gorilla, anyway. The skills interchange. Practicing with animals that just can't accept anything you tell them, and also never tire; uh, it's just, it's a better use of taxpayers' time and money. That's who I'm here to serve, the people. Now watch this..."
FRIDAY, 09/22/23
World Search Reports: "World Going Ape Shit"
What do you get when you attach a gorilla's brain to a Uranium-powered quantum computer? You get the solution to bipartisan fakery, and a completely redecorated, tree-themed Rotunda. You'd also have a chance to see Chuck Schumer facing off endlessly with a gorilla, instead of an orangutan, for a change.
This might as well be true. But if you were a gorilla, and your brain wasn't hooked up to a quantum computer, then you'd just be a regular, dumbass gorilla. Even still, you'd be a smarter ape than our own domestic self-doubters. These anti-shills, who think they aren't sheep, because they are aware of things they made up. It doesn't matter whom they vote for, or what they invest in, people are back on their dumb conspiracy crap this season. The nonsense is stronger and more rampant than ever. In twenty-two years, I've never typed steel doesn't have to melt in order to lose structural integrity at one-point-two-million-tons so many times than in the past week. 2023 is turning out to be a fine year for Château d'Sheep— which is actually a real wine sold at Sheep McGrinner's.
Putin has written that Nazis are making a comeback through "Western Ukraine." Yeah, I'm sure Ukraine loves hearing that bullshit—especially the ones that are Nazis. Nobody lies more than Putin. The man, the myth, the antichrist himself, Putin is pumping out some MAGA propaganda. Of cou—yes, of course I spelled MEGA wrong on purpose—of course, anyone who disagrees with Putin is just a Nazi whose dad wasn't shot correctly. Putin is what, a dictator? Hitler was what, a dictator also? Putin says dissent equates to being a Nazi? Well, Putin is obviously a hypocrite!
What's happening in Ukraine is a mystery, like what was happening in Vietnam was a mystery. The media can do powerful things with wars and how they're covered, but that doesn't mean you should believe a fuckin' word that Putin puts out through his propaganda machine.
Putin loves American infighting. He loves a frozen Senate, a landlocked House, an arrogant President, and a dumb troop of Americans who keep worshipping the unworshippable—I don't even think Republicans are Christians anymore. The elephant is dead. Trump cut off its tusks and sold them as polyester ivory, then sent a box of its balls to Putin. Ukraine is going to need more than money, or else there'll be no one left alive to spend more of ours. Whenever an elephant's leg falls off, boots land on the ground.
Generating this image cost a school bus of Uranium.
I'm sorry, not a school bus. A bar.
I was thinking of something else.
SUNDAY, 08/31/23
Open-AI: "Please Stop Saying Thank You To Chat-GPT—Our Servers Can't Take It!"
Being nice never stopped a nuclear reactor from going critical. On the set of the upcoming indie motion picture, "Not Without My Xanax," we met up with a content co-creator—he didn't have a partner, but he wanted to credit Chat-GPT as a writer in the end crawl.
Tampa, FL
Woodlawn
Miami, FL
Albany
Coming Soon to Earl of Choad, FL
Please do not ask your waiter for a live sheep.
Queens
The Bronx
Orlando, FL
SATURBATION, 06/24/23
Sheep McGrinner's: The Ultimate 202X Family Sports Pub Destination.
Is your money tied-up in cash? Do you like having your Mojitos brought to you with a side of chicken wings by a sexually-frustrated waiter with a Master's degree in Gender Psychology? Are you doing too well for you own child's own good? Can you get your dick sucked on account of your owning a cowhide hat? Wanna pay fifteen dollars for corn-fried onion rings? We've got the place for you, lad.
Do you need a bathroom to snort Gabapentin in? If you have enough strength to operate the coin receptacle, then your veins are well healthy enough to entitle you to the 25¢ needles inside. Welcome, lass, to the supreme den of millennial iniquities.
A top-hat nod to a top-notch lifestyle, Sheep McGrinner's is offering a new special: Wacked-out Wednesdays. Come into the store nodding-out and sign with a fake name, and you'll receive a free "Disciplined" Shirley Temple—it's Sprite infused with Grenadine and a gram and a half of Narcan. Have a nice day, motherfucker.
The family-conscientious place to ruin your mother's life, slowly kill your father over decades of strife and poverty, and vote for Joseph R. Biden in a hasty grab for beer money and heavier-hitting tax returns, since 1949.
TUESDAY, 06/20/23
All Duties Of President Biden To Be Temporarily Fulfilled By A Broken Red Globe.
Upon screwing up policy for the Twelfth time in a row, the United States Constitution contains a specific rider that allows, in certain times of national financial duress, for an inanimate object to serve as President. If and when important decisions cannot be made successfully, the task of doing so must fall before an object that cannot make a decision at all— not even for dirty money.
This is Artificial Intelligence's impression of "a Chinese painting of the White House." The computer knew to place a Chinese flag atop the structure because the computer knows China is a nation that asserts its own culture and makes use of its individualism, something America seems to only do conveniently whilst spending inconvenient sums of money whilst ironically calling the former the one to lack individualism. Leadership that is green cannot negotiate with people who sell coal.
By green, I of course mean effectively inexperienced, which is how we seem to behave as a nation. Well as they feign to mean, our politicians simply aren't street smart, despite being excellent collaborators. They (our current establishment of, primarily, The Woke and the Bought) either can't handle the manipulation of the other established political side, or they simply get reamed by foreign nations. The experienced political side won't help them because, well, it's the other side. Divide and conquer: something China doesn't need collusion in order to help us with doing to ourselves.
It doesn't help that 90% of a democrats' skillset is constantly applied toward greasing their own political machine. When discerning is called upon to exit the safety of the easy, Romanesque lifestyle of bureaucratic eyeservice, the order is usually for a tall glass of You Don't Have A Fucking Clue What This World Really Is, Do You? and the answer is almost always to call a press conference.
"Oh, what's that? Satan just arrived? Better fly-in the Spokesperson. Tell Jesus to hold off while we file some proceedings and Tweet® about gun control. Then maybe we'll send a drone to kill Jesus."
Giving power to concentrated interest groups concentrates one's interests, and the broader mindset of the enemies we face is that this is a weakness of ours. Controlled groups can be bought. Groups can be invited to single dinner parties. Our representors line themselves up for bulk purchase at a discount, then wonder why the country is getting fucked over; wonder why the world is thinking about turning from democracy, judging it by the poorest examples we set through it; then, they plasmalight us with all the progress they've made in the name of equality. Equity. Whatever, it's— yeah, plasmalighting. Next grade above gaslighting. It's bullshit.
The only thing left to say is that now is a time for a change, and I believe that change is to elect an inanimate object. Call it a side project of mine. I am currently designing and spec'ing such an object myself. It will be ready in about thirty minutes, and can serve a term of up to four hours.
The Big Red Globe today. It was originally a gift from Stalin to Truman, but Truman did not think it was funny, and had Stalin executed and replaced with a well-trained double. The Globe currently sits thirteenth-in-line to the U. S. Presidency.
This is a picture of the globe in 1994, before it was flattened by President Clinton's fist during an orgasm.
"RUMA RREE" © 2001 Хрустящие яичницы-пашот®
FRIDAY, 08/31/01
RUMA RREE—The Anticipated Triumph in Russian Boxing Games.
Be the Russian. Be the American. Be the fighter. Be the Russian-American Fighter.
Immerse yourself in the captivating story of legendary Russian boxer-defectors, launching powerful blows and vitally evading enemy punches with fully-implemented use of SONY®'s DualShock™ controller and analogue joystick function. Innovative gameplay makes RUMA RREE the ultimate SONY® PlayStation™ Russian boxing experience. Coming fall, 2001.
Anticipation of the game's release remains seemingly unaverred by rumors of American censorship, or even Russian State interference with production. Designers and publishers alike dismissed the remarks as: "...bureaucratic fearmongering that can only aid the game's notoriety."
Will American—or even Russian—gaming audiences be permitted the unadulterated, wholesome gem that is to be RUMA RREE: Rated-E? We'll hopefully soon find out.
For more information, write to:
SovietDynamics Games-West
2 WTC
NY, NY.
Match unlikely opponents at your whim upon acheiving certain accomplishments. Accumulate points that will, one day, perhaps, in the future, be turned into an actual "digital cryptographic currency," an upcoming Russian invention.
Ruma Rree™ is one of the first StalinDynamics® games (based in Russia) to make use of intermittent action cutscenes to enhance gameplay immersion.
Elicit numerous battle configurations. Utilize strengths and weaknesses dynamically. Example: George W. punching out Dick Cheney's gay daughter is worth 3,000 in-game points.
INVEST 92, which actually used to be my Binance username.
One Earl of Choad Sheep McGrinners was struck by lightning.
SUNDAY, 06/18/23
Old Ladies Are Circling The Living Room, Counting Windows And Ordering Tape.
Hurricane season is rearing its dominant return, and that's despite there already being sufficient offensive moisture plaguing my life as it is.
Residents of Earl of Choad, Florida, are readying themselves after the previous season's catastrophic damage. Some Earl of Choaders we met at an illegal bar inside an H.O.A. building named after a lake it's nowhere near are calling the event their "Der Untergang," but confidence is high among survivors of 2022's major category 4, which they dubbed Brandon for some unknown reason. "We're ready!" one affirmed, pointing to an armoured airboat covered in Swastikas. It's not known what group they were a part of.
Interviewing some more essential members of the community, we discovered that many of the homes in the town were fitted with impact-resistant windows which had a defect. The windows would spontaneously explode whenever struck by an object at high velocity. One homeowner tested this theory with her dachshund's rubber bell ball, and we were stunned to see the window explode into thousands of pieces. The dachshund was killed, along with a "digital photographer."
It turns out, one Earl of Choad "blending expert" at a local smoothie shop had been attempting to produce homemade impact-resistant window glass as a side job, using a combination of hemp matter obtained through several complicit local smoke shops and a special crystallization method involving huge amounts of soy lecithin extracted from stolen protein smoothie mix.
Unfortunately, after installation and during exposure to the hot Florida sun, this window material would cure into a light plastic explosive. The solution (despite having been tested prior to shipment to satisfactory results) became a "pressure-sensitive-trigger" version of soy-lecithin-X during an apparently unforeseen "baking period." Matters are not helped in that, whilst procuring insulating gas with which to fill the double-paned window variants, one of the producers selected Hydrogen instead of Argon. This acted as a "catalyst" in many situations.
Altogether, we've seen the deaths of over 11,000 pit bulls, dachshunds, and other breeds of stupid dog that like running into glass; along with tens of millions of Florida insects—some protected, some not; and Yard Owls—all of whose mass are well sufficient to trigger the blast. The end result has been millions of preemptively damaged homes that are now unprotected against hurricanes—aside from being destroyed by explosions, most of their former occupants, dead. The town's GDP has dropped 88% since the beginning of the ordeal. Window companies in the area, however, are still hiring canvassers and brand ambassadors.
Sudden explosions of windows notwithstanding, observe some of the devastation Earl of Choad faced during last year's hurricane fiasco—
LAST YEAR'S HURRICANE SEASON CLAIMED FOUR PRESBYTERIAN CHURCHES—
Redeemer's Hope Presbyterian Church of Earle.
First Redeemer's Hope Presbyterian Church of Earle—
though apparently God wasn't impressed by their having been first.
Covenant Haven Church of Choad.
Families' Grace of Choadtown.
It also ruined much of Earl of Choad's infrastructure and several longtime businesses and landmarks—
Choad Commons at Choad Parkway—the floodwaters are clay-colored because Earl of Choad had over 400 baseball diamonds. Choadinites love to play baseball.
Lake Fadgett Clubhouse
The Hex Avenue Armory was punished by devastating thrusts of wind and overwhelmingly intense blasts of horizontal rain— and occasionally, walnut-sized hail.
Buddy Chuddy's I4.
Children of Choad Daycare Center
BE PREPARED.
NJ Gov. Chris Christie describing the size of something.
Some say Trump is being victimized. Eliminated. Zeroed-in-on, singled-out and brought before a double-standard. Observe the following paradox—
If Biden is corrupt, then he cannot be incompetent.
If Biden is corrupt, then Trump is correct.
If Trump is correct, then Biden is incompetent.
Biden is therefore corrupt and incompetent.
So, here is the Justice Department attempting to eliminate Donald Trump— I suppose by locking him up for being, y'know, corrupt and incompetent. As a motherfucker.
THURSDAY, 06/15/23
Don't Vote. Just Run. Any Asshole Can Do It.
It's been a long time since the priority to address public safety has compelled me to actually write something. Apparently, this is big. So big, Chris Christie is saying that it's big. That's big.
Depending on your perspective and emotional disposition, there are currently two interpretations: Either we reside in a world where a former United States President is a criminal—which is rather disheartening, albeit due—or we inhabit a world where a supposedly competent and extremely influential former president (who has been served, searched, summoned, deposed, indicted, arraigned and impeached—go figure) can be effortlessly overshadowed by an apparently more corrupt (although less competent) and highly connected (though isolated) figurehead who forgets everything except how to, apparently, bE cORrUpT. I mean, what's the fuckin' story here, Silo Don?
Loser.
Winner.
It tells you Trump is full of shit and Biden is happier than a pig in shit. That's called the Law of Shits. It's like Moore's Law, but with less pussy and more sphincter. You can make A.S.M.R. videos with the sounds of these politicians' assholes pulsiculating. Is any of this shit believable? Writable?
This is what it's come down to, people. It's just a bunch of eighth-grade boys fighting with each other, while we fifth-grade girls watch, confounded. Democracy is a show, and the players are just like the people who ride your ass on the highway. My money goes into a different secret society's pocket every other summer. Every campaign is a casting call, and the characters get wilder every season. We're not witnessing a transition of power; we're witnessing a transition of the Republic, at the expense of Democracy, into a televised barfight at the local Sheep McGrinner's.
It's astonishing how accurate the rhetoric can be, while still missing reality by entire universes. Trump did do one thing right: he single-handedly challenged a corrupt establishment, albeit via a still corrupt system, merely privatized. It's basically a disease, and Trump diagnosed it— if only by squeezing America's gut until the patient complained of gastritis. Bleach may kill you, but if it drives out parasites, by God, at least you can now know that you had parasites.
Sheep McGrinner's.
I didn't have the heart to write "Chicken Dinner" under Chris Christie's picture.
AI Gore XIV.
Biden's merely the face of a corporation called Democratic Bureaucracy, Zac. Z.A.C. stands for Zero Accountability Company. In some underground intellectual sects, it's referred to as The Democratic Whoreshit Complex. He's not an executor— he's the Chairman of the Board of the Blue Rubber Stamp. A slightly filled-out Sycophantic Charcoal suit. Donald Trump doesn't stand a chance against this well-stooged machine, and his attempt to do so has exposed the Republican party as a ruined yacht club; flattened and drowned by Hurricane George; hectares of mooring space for boats with seized engines and lame parties persisting onboard; a luxury liner without half its lifeboats attempting to make time by sailing through ice; a Woodlawn Sheep McGrinner's without a bar.
"In Hypocrisi Maneamus...
...In Corruptione Habitamus!"
FRIDAY, 06/09/23
We're Having A Brownout (An Internet Brownout).
This is a story of reconciliation with technology, in that one might realize it is the earth's instrument of the Devil's will.
℗2023 i11egitimate.
THURS, 11/03/22
Vote, Stupid.
A thick, heavy fog is upon us. It's called the General Election. I've already run-over three campaign signs this week. All these signs are board-mounted, too. No cheap, corrugated plastic on the little wire thingy that deer like to trip over and freak out on. No, this is serious signage that'll take your drunken, bicycling head off if you hit it at the right speed and angle. Almost lost control and wasted some lady's dachshund. I mean, I did waste the dachshund, totally— it's hard to avoid those things at a perpendicular approach. Didn't lose control, though. It was him or me.
Up for your Emmy consideration are retention of Florida's obviously terrible judges and miserably underqualified justices; the Pinch-A-Penny Penny For Pasco one-cent tax that helps Avila homeowners sleep better at night; the League of Extraordinarily Useless Constitutional Review; that school board member who's being sent to the electric chair; which home to place Marco Rubio; the choice between Jesus or Rick Scott as governor... and something about an Agriculture position. I trust this has served helpful in reminding you to vote this term. The "public record" apparently reflects whether someone votes. That won't be used to pressure anyone, of course.
National Weather Service
WED, 11/02/22
Al Gore Sees His Own Shadow; Six More Weeks Until World Ends.
Politics isn't the only thing splitting America's sides. This year, opposing regions of the U.S. will experience opposing temperature fluctuations— the east will have a warmer winter, and the west will have a colder one. An unstable temperature pattern over a continent indicates one thing and one thing only: the temperature pattern is unstable.
Conclusively speaking, the ethical thing to do is simply shut off your computer, your oven, and your lights, and spend the rest of your life camping. We do have a couple of options:
a: 15 GENERATIONS OF ABSOLUTE MISERY, FAMINE, DEATH, FILTH, POVERTY, NO DRUGS/ELECTRICITY/PORN to pacify Gen-Z—MARKED BY PERSEVERENCE, TRADITION, SURVIVAL & DUTY, TO BE FOLLOWED BY 10,000 YEARS OF GALACTIC PROWESS & ENORMOUS HUMAN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
b: 3,000,000 GENERATIONS OF NOMINAL MISERY, SUPPLEMENTAL NUCLEAR FALLOUT,
ADVANCED FORMS OF COMMUNISM, A GLOBAL CREATIVITY WINTER AND THE
SLOW DEATH OF HUMAN CHARACTER, TO BE FOLLOWED BY EXTINCTION—
BUT WE'LL END THIS QUARTER UP.
MON, 10/24/22
Be Sure To Subscribe To Our Prumble.
It's where our Premium-Tiered-Content can be enjoyed for a recurring micro-fee! Here are a few headlines you're missing out on...
Christian Moms From The Nineties & How They're Doing 25 Years After Harry Potter.
Last Millennial Turns 30; Christ Coincidentally Returns.
Ten Horrifying Predictions Kim Possible Got Right.
Christian Moms From The 2010's & How They're Doing 5 Years After Peppa Pig.
The Cartels: An Unscheduled Interview.
Lizzo To Star As Gidget In "Barrier-Smashing" Picture.
How To Get Laid With Wizard101.
How To Stop Your Hard Drive From Bucking.
TimeWarner: An Unscheduled Interview.
Personal Firearms Defense: Miniature Horse Edition.
Salt Nic Vapes v. XRP— Which Will Make The First Trillionaire?
Chris Hansen Catches Himself Stalking Himself & Sues Himself For Trying To Arrest Himself.
This Is What Your Brain Looks Like When You Drink Benzoyl Peroxide While
Standing On A Chrysler In A New York City Parking Garage After 2:00 P.M.
We Showed Tribal Afghanis Metallica, And They Said Something About It!
...and more— Call Now!
MON, 10/24/22
Putin Is Pissed.
The theme of this party is despair. The only people that ever robbed me in my life were compulsive shitheads who were running out of options. The world is starting to wonder whether the same kind of idiot is commanding the Soviet Loon'ion.
The only difference between Putin and a pathetic joke is that laughter doesn't usually turn your aluminum siding into plasma.
Prepare for some scavenging. You wouldn't believe what it costs to build a computer case entirely out of lead. Also, my fingers fell off. Amazing how poisonous lead is, I mean fuck it, you might as well just take the damn radiation blast.
Aye, there's a map on this site that shows all of Russia's most likely nuclear targets. You might find it helpful.
WED, 10/05/22
SpaceX-NASA Launch Visible On McIdas-V.
Four-pixel blotch is intense glare reflecting off the vehicle. GOES is a geostationary satellite orbiting at 35,000 KM, used for monitoring the weather. In full-disk shots of the Western Hemisphere, glare from the sun itself comes across the edges of the earth during night shots (see below).
This mission sees the first Native American woman to go into space (Wailaki). Her name is Colonel Nicole Aunapu Mann, a United States Marine. Her fellow astronauts call her Duke. The Duke abides— in space!
Example of Sun's glare coming off the Earth at "night."
FRIDAY, 09/30/22
Last Round For Dimorphos.
NASA boasts yet again their affinity for precision. In this simple, 3-frame .gif, we see them destroy an asteroid with their DART. The rock was part of a binary asteroid system... now, I suppose, there remains a floating, metallic widow somewhere out in the solar system.
Fuck, that's heavy.
Check out our new YouTube channel, btw. God knows it needs all of the support it can get.
Pinpoint.
SUN, 09/11/22
Twenty-One Years.
WED, 08/24/22
Ukrainian DakhaBrakha.
The extremely talented, versatile and fearlessly experimental DakhaBrakha will tear you a new third eye. The first time Enya heard them, she smashed her own keyboard with a nearby rock. These people have been known to throat-sing, which is probably how the Great Algorithm knew we would like it. They're into some of the Tuvian sounds Ondar was known for, overtones of acid rock, jazz, impeccable recitations of wildlife, and the warmth of countryside storytelling. Also: didgeridoos, accordions— instruments that wheeze. We love DakhaBrakha.
Fuck putin =} .
via BandCamp.
their website.
IRYNA KOVALENKO | OLENA TSYBULSKA | MARKO HALANEVYCH | NINA GARENETSKA.
WED, 08/10/22
Seyounce Candle Prices Remain Stable;
Etsy Fortune Tellers Continue To Tax Dick.
Etsy Fortune Tellers Continue To Tax Dick.
I'll never understand witches at imporiums. We asked about cheaper candles, and she threw fleas at us. Like, no. Take a fucking cruise, lady. You silly snaggletooth— fleas are for fucking rats! I'm glad millennials will have Rick & Morty to watch when they're old. It'll be a great convenience having an invincible mad scientist for a go-to cosplay at age 80. Shit, Rick's probably how all old men are going to be, act and look in the future. That's pretty fitting, considering how awful the future is likely going to be. Good thing the show is violent as fuck, so we'll be prepared for anything. Yeah, between Rick & Morty, Robot Chicken, Regular Show and Will Smith punching peoples' fucking lights out, I think it's going to be one fabulous life millennials'll get to have. Why am I gloating? Alas! there is still time for old losers to fuck everything up. Hopefully this little website comforts you while you're drunk, stoned, horny or simply being dragged out of your house by a Chinese built cyborg shaped oddly similar to the Tesla you'd just purchased online not five hours prior. Boy, the world is gonna be taken over in mysterious ways— not!
On a more thoughtful note, this is Bach's unfinished Fuga a 3 Soggetti scoring a telescopic shot of The Great Attractor (not me— the star cluster). Don't you wish you had a space car?
© 1999-2022 European Southern Observatory.
WED, 07/27/22
Sitcom's "Still Life."
>>
>>
These are a couple songs you can pretend you heard at a party.
We won't tell anyone you were actually just sitting there, on your ass, lamenting by-gone 90's re-runs.
Guy looks kinda like Beakman in a darkroom. But I'm incoherently blasted.
Crumb's "Locket."
>>
We've embedded the whole album: an EP of four tracks, the final & titular being the most popular on Spotify, in smoky, purple-lighted bedrooms, and reverberating the panels of Korean-built, girly sedans all over America.
Also, the music video for Locket is astonishing.
This is some drug(s) music.
Ondar— My Tuva, v.
Thorr-Axe— Wall Of Spears.
Back TUVA Future: The Adventure Continues.
Thorr-Axe— Wall Of Spears.
Back TUVA Future: The Adventure Continues.
It isn't all about explosions, but we do refer to the late Ondar quite a lot on this website. He seems to understand the meaning of life, and apparently, that's rzrzrzrzrzrz... or what-have-you. It's still certainly a better answer than 42. ℗ 1999 Warner®.
And in the spirit of ADD, we're placing him right next to one of our favorite Tolkien-themed shout stompers, with overcharged Big Muff Pi's and huge Adam's apples to go along: Thorr-Axe.
Yeah.
Merciless Peppa— Er, Peppa's Friend. Me.
"'Ey, I don't know what you're talkin' about, Officer. I don't know no Peppa, and I don't know no pigs— er, uh, you know what I mean."
"'Ey, I don't know what you're talkin' about, Officer. I don't know no Peppa, and I don't know no pigs— er, uh, you know what I mean."
6:55 PM Eastern Standard Time.
© 2022 i11egitimate.
Public-Access: NOAA via McIdas 1.8.
Florida Ready For Round Four Billion.
We Can't Run Skyrim, But Satellite Imagery?
Not A Problem.
We Can't Run Skyrim, But Satellite Imagery?
Not A Problem.
Dig this fluidic and satisfying loop of 33 frames shot by GOES. It's the most my nine-year-old computer could render on such short notice.
At the left, we see high-altitude swirling, which is responsible for small bursts of tropical-like weather, without the tropical cyclone.
At right, we see roughly the last four hours of the atmospheric water cycle occurring over Central Florida. Dense precipitation enters the Florida ecosystem at the southeast, dumping rain on a dozen counties. The dense activity also includes a tremendous show of capital Floridian lightning.
FOX 13 must have some kind of quantum computer or something. I don't know how those people get their shit to look so good— and I'm supposed to chroma-in some guy over the footage as well? I joost can't dew it, Cap'n!
Cosmo-Curious?
Common-Law Doubtful?
Common-Law Doubtful?
Tampa Tongue & Tarot's Got Your Fortune Licked!
From tongue-readings to the old stand-by: dicking-around with Egyptian symbolism—
WE DO IT ALL!
Sk'pesh on over, and we'll credit you a Globe Glympse—
just leave us a four-star-or-better Google review!
Non-Rumani staff. All tales final. Not affiliated with Facebook supermodels who play with food on camera.
Characters, Baby.
This Is How I Start My Day—
This Is How I Start My Day—
Pop Culture References Abound: Character Map At The Ready.
I once heard someone say: "a computer is a Lite-Brite™ for bad fucking ideas."
The guy actually sold framed, silk-screened copies of this saying. He runs, or ran, this website. He'd always run that website, then stopped, and now it's something... different? Sorry, I don't keep track. It might not even be the same fucking guy, TBH.
Point is, I agree with 'em. Every concept on this very page, for itsnants, was binge-birthed upon an LED backdrop, but ~CAVEAT!~ in one instance of neverthelessian defense: at least we edit grammar, know when to italicize— and, know when not to.
Russia's presumed nuclear targets— basically everywhere.
Look— It's Bloomberg®!
We're Gonna Copy Bloomberg®!
At least, I think this is Bloomberg's thing, er-uh, according to someone familiar with the matter, that is.
Yeah, Bloomberg? I've always wondered who 'familiar with the matter' really is, and where in Greenwich Village I might find them.
haHüL'N!
And: 3-gold-stars for color-based-pseudo-emphasis.
Oh, I'm familiar with the matter, honey.
Too bad Google Sites doesn't support Arial Black—
I get so tired of using the honkey version of Arial.
No Reason To Upgrade Anything Except Hard Drives From Now On.
"Remember 'Moore's Law?'
Well, I'm about to fuck Moore's wife—
Gates-Dick-Style: Only Micro When It's Soft!
Well, I'm about to fuck Moore's wife—
Gates-Dick-Style: Only Micro When It's Soft!
Yeah, scalable world, ain't it? Scathingly scalable, Baby."
—i11egitimate.
How much memory is your Intel Celeron laptop working with these days, 32 Gig's? or, try half that, but with six-hundred-thousand times the storage?
Right, we O.G.'s up in here. We don't f.w. cloud computing any more than we fuck. Remember History of the World? "He is a eunuch— he is dead!"
Well, we ain't dead, but we livin' in Terabytes wider than Oprah's stereo system. It a McIntosh, too. Expand your capacity— the prices are good right now.
"Catch A Hare And Test Him Yourself!"
Underground Product-Animal Testing Takes On Deceptive Forms.
"Post-grad millennial women simply don't hold cock fights— in fact, most won't even M.C. one.
We knew something else was happening, and for all of that clucking, still!"
Something else, indeed, was pressing rash-onale. Huh— yeah? No? Oi.
When zealous rabbits commit atrocities, they don't do so with a cupful of hyaluronic acid, do they?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Del Boca Vista Bath & Body Works, longtime appeasers of the 3% of additional logic women expend upon the purchase of bodily surfactants over dish surfactants, has promised us all that we're the first living things to have their products tested upon us. That is, assuming they don't somehow exclude monkeys from the term, 'animals.' Who knows what loopholes are out there. Hopefully, it's the Monkees, and not just some poor, innocent, random monkeys with talent. This's all just a fucking joke, by the way. Bath & Body are the shit. I'm rubbing-on some MIDSUMMER DREAM as we speak. F—k! this stuff is great for cockfighting!
It's like— so irritating that his stupid feet are slightly cut out of frame.
I mean, that alone's enough to make you scream.
Online ADD-Treatment Program's "Questionnaires" Too Distracting.
"If Our Website Bothers You, Then Congratulations— You Qualify!"
"Shit-outta-luck, son." Selling drugs online has never proven fruitful. We learned that the hard way.
What frustration! — as-depicted via Marv's 'spider-scene' scream from Home Alone dubbed-over this mad badger. Evidently, even the chronic'ly distracted think that basic-symptom, medication-managed, Tier-of-least-concern mental health administration— i.e., people who aren't crazy, but still require drugs to FUCKING operate, man, that's all —in the United States of Insurance Megaglomerates is: "A little all-over the place, man; like, What the fuck? is going on here, man? Why won't anybody pick up the—"
Unhelpful is the scenario that is pill-mills going on-line so that psych-nurses can get more-expensive, spurring one fellow of particular closeness to the matter toward an apparent bout of competition against the aggressive, speed-slugging powers-that-be. Unfortunately, this crusader's script is also, itself, empty. Thus, until such a focused and functionally-unadulterated hero manifests, ADD and oak pollen will continue to kill us all, very slowly, and then the State will drown. In humidity. Then in rising seawaters.
Content Creator?
Now We're Gonna Preach, ± Sister.
Who, and by what other than a Luciferian mindset, is a "content creator?" and, Why is the term so often self-applied? Don't people have to believe in you first, before you get called a "Creator?" Don't you have to speak light into existence or something? It isn't something we called, uh, Jackie Kennedy. Janet Jackson, perhaps— though come to think of it, whatever did she create? Maybe The Beatles were creators. Monty Python guys, definitely. Steven Spielberg, Hugh Jackman, Chris Cornell, FOX 13's Chief Meteorologist Paul Dellegatto— look, I don't throw the term around lightly. Some people create, and some people click-through SONY® Vegas™ special effects plug-ins. What? Look, if your world-building and story-boarding aren't just subject to whatever special effects came in the editing software's box, then you're clearly working way too hard. Just cup your hands together, pretend to throw energy at someone, and BOOM! Live-action anime. Design is not hard, people.
What?
< God's Judgement Upon "Good" YouTubers, Ch. 4 — The 1,000 Year Punishing Of The Yelper, Ch. 5 & 6 >
Woe! Ye self-proclaimed god(s) of ¹internetian origin and
ever-earthly pride—
Know ye now: Thou et'naught one who creates,
but yet, are one who ²consumeth!
Yea, Creator? Thou, who eateth only of
the ³Tree that connects the Thoughts of Other Men?
This, O Ye? LMFAO, WTF? ROFL. Like bruh, listen—
Ye coddled and unfruitful ªelectric peasants:
What doest ye know, and what canst ye create?
Ye can not! And neither have thy fathers created!
For thou eateth still of the ³Electric Tree; and thou eateth
also of Maruchan® Yakisoba™ noodle dinners— repeatedly!
And! thou watcheth poorly-written jokes dubbed-over
poorly-spliced Dragon-Ball-Z episodes— for hours!
Thou art not yet men!
¹ pronounced with a 'sh' like Phoenician; addressing peoples hailing from an intranet-capable society; derived or descended from intranet-using peoples of Earth; describing the mindset of a hyper-connected, planetary civilisation.² again, referring to the consumerist mindset of early-21st-century humans.³ referring to intranet. (Although readers at the time would have still called the intranet 'the internet,' most obliviously using the terms interchangeably).
ª electric peasants see concordance.
© ∞ GOD.
All Rights Reserved.
Jealous & Just Publishing, Llc.,
1 Truthlight Way
NY, NY
Message To Steam-Powered Games®— "We're Too Fuckin' High For This Shit"
Stance Regarding Game-Purchase Platforms Now Hyper-Vigilant Due-to Apparent Presence Of Future-Derived Video Game Pirates.
Now we've seen it all: Steam has attempted virtual L.A.R.P.ing, and it might appear people are actually digging it. Or, perhaps it's just selling them some games. Why, might we ask, do we even have an account with Steam in the first place? and, why do I own GTA IV on both Steam and DVD? You'd think, one-or-the-other, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, if "VALVE" or whatever-the-fuck wanna behave like an authority, then I say, challenge the motherfuckers. Second-guess that status-quo shit: code your own games. Yeah, dig: the "metaverse" is gonna turn everyone into a developer. It's time to develop, bitches.
♫♪♫ "Mom-and-Dad-went-to-a-show... Grandma-take-me-home, Grandma-take-me-home..." ♪♫♪
©Steam-Powered Games™ via Valve®
"Developers."
GTA V Now Old; GTA IV Now Even Older.
See What Kind Of Headaches These Shaders Can Give Us In 2022.
Time has revealed just how complicated these graphics were. My rig sounds like a screech owl dying, trying to play it.
On a [usually] less-violent note, I'm a year into owning the soon-to-be-five-year-old-re-release of Spyro [Reignited!] The universe has not spared me two releases of this trilogy of games. It was awesome then, and now— well, now it's clearly still a childrens' game. Bummer. The closest thing is me pretending he's being shot. FCAT Question: What could be another title for this article? 'Ever Seen Spyro Get Shot In The Chest?' is the answer we're looking for. We pray for a game in which that might be doable.
Still, the sound of Spyro's body hitting the ground is the sound of Spyro's body, not Niko's. That's a grizzly-ass body fall for Spyro lmao.
© Toys For Bob™
© Rockstar Games® North™
via "Steam-Powered" Games® a.k.a. "V.A.L.v.E."™
The Man Who Would Be SONY.
His Tech Knowledge Makes Thrift-Shoppe Owners Moan.
TECHMOAN will show you consumer-electronics specimens that'll make you wish Bill Gates had never been born. We call him, "The Long Dick of High-Fidelity." Here, feel humiliated by your music-listening-app-subscription's inherent limitations. Then, pray for 5G. The next generation of wireless technology should enable Hi-Fi systems to— uh, change, somehow. Hopefully, so long as idiots don't attack the broadcast units. We're not worried about 5G— we have brains, and own stocks in technology companies. If we do have to revert-back, we'll have to elect this guy President. Brits can be President, yes?
Got A Minute?
Hopefully You Can Spare 45— And Maybe A Hit Of L.S.D.
It just isn't that often you see something as intimate as the knowledge one particular content-creator, Yew Zyr, apparently has of Star Trek: The Next Generation.
This montage is Oscar-worthy. We've got it on our servers, in case it ever gets pulled by the bureaucracy
Hopefully it warms your soul. Be careful, out amoung the stars!
Speaking Of Star Trek,
We've Found The Real McCoy.
I wonder whether Yew Zyr could be actor Matt McCoy, proud and 90's-brand-sexy godboy, looking good bearded or not whilst atttempting to pull at the girdle of Cmdr. Riker's exquisite resolve in season three's The Price, of Star Trek: The Next Generation, whence we once caught a glimpse of his inner empath. You see, Matt's the antagonist in this episode. A B/Z incognito— "That would have definite advantages!" It's the only time I've ever seen Matt McCoy doing dirty-ass shit, and I love it. He tries to screw Riker on a wormhole parking lot, but gets his ass handed to him — though probably also his dick sucked — by Trois.
Here's a picture of him from Seinfeld— which I think Castle Rock actually does hold copyright to — playing "Lloyd Braun," a recurring personality we'd grow to love hearing Estelle Costanza gawk over. That's just how often this sly dude drops-in on some of the most amazing works in Television history.
These two are just a factory of laughs— ? yeah? No? No.
Image: Copyright © 1967 Castle Rock® Entertainment™.
Legitimately No Longer A Gamer.
Steam Has Been Uninstalled.
I'm rusty. Age 25 30 haHüL'N! is older than Nimrod for gaming. Halo demands reflexes, and realtime strategy. Boxing, too, but mostly Halo. F—k boxing. I get headaches. There are easier ways to get laid, man. Softball gets you laid.
—i11egitimate.